THE MANY JOYS OF APARTMENT (EGG CRATE) LIVING...

The illustration at left represents my little egg crate (top) and the egg crate directly beneath me, which has recently been vacated...meaning, the co-op service people descend in hordes to do the hard (and hellishly noisy) work of "restoring" the apartment.

Except, now the powers-that-be have decided to "restore" apartments by first demolishing 50-year old kitchen cabinets, closets, bathroom fixtures, you name it, it's OUTTA HERE.

However, it would be nice if the co-op notified the surrounding apartments prior to Demolition Derby beginning at 8:00am suddenly one morning! There I was, reading the newspaper, having a cup of coffee when WHAM! I almost hit my head on the ceiling. I seriously wondered if it was Armageddon Day, the noise was that loud and terrifying. CRASH BOOM BANG!!! 

I ran downstairs like a maniac, hands covering my ears, and the service guys said "Sorry Paula, it'll just be a while longer."

Yeah, a good while longer...because after Demolition Derby comes the hammering, drilling, and whatever the hell else it takes to install all new cabinets, closets, light fixtures, etc. Once again, after weeks of DRILLING and tap-tap-tapping hammering, I ran down and asked if it would be much longer. I was politely told "All that's left now are the floors" and I foolishly thought, good, I can handle that.

Well, this morning the final coat of toxic polyurethane was apparently put down, because the smell came wafting up through my floor, causing me to open every window to avoid brain damage, if not certain death for me and my cat Quincy. OMG, whatever happened to good old Butcher's Wax to restore a wooden floor?? Never mind...that required too much work, far easier to just sand the floors and throw a few coats of liquid poison to dry.

In all fairness, the egg crate in which I reside is confined within a fire-proof building, which means that you are surrounded by cement and steel. So, if someone decides to hammer one nail into a wall on the first floor, the sound travels throughout the entire building, right up to the roof. And any drilling that continues for mere minutes? The equivalent of aural waterboarding to these uber-sensitive ears.

I cannot wait for the day when my own apartment will be demolished...because that will mean I won't be here any longer to hear the infernal, ear-shattering noise!

ARRIVERDERCI, BIG WORMY NOISY EXPENSIVE ROTTEN APPLE!