BOOMERANGST*

The Scream ~ Edvard Munch

*A once-in-a-while blog/column covering the common angst of Baby Boomers (we're not all dead yet) in a drastically changing world. If Edvard Munch were alive today, his famous painting would have to be altered to something unrecognizable.

VOICE MAIL: THE RUINATION OF CIVILIZATION

The absolutely worst techno-invention in the history of the world. Two recent attempted telephone contacts left my brain feeling like it was trapped in a kaleidoscope gone berserk.

Example #1: Attempting to reach AARP...and don't you just love the way their little packets instantaneously appear in your mailbox the very second you turn 50 years of age? Do they have disenfranchised Santa Claus elves working around the clock, just waiting to drop-ship those things, informing us that we have one foot in a cemetery plot and the other on a 50,000 gallon oil spill?

Well, wasn't I surprised to find that AARP ~ whose core membership is comprised of mostly technologically-challenged seniors and/or "retired persons" (as if anyone can retire these days) ~ is utilizing uber-sensitive, voice activated voice mail! "Voice activated" meaning that, if you clear your throat, put down a cup of coffee, or a fly buzzes by, the AARP robot sweetly informs you "I'm sorry, I didn't understand your response. Let's start over, shall we?" and it's back to Square One for the second, third or fourth time...if you haven't already SLAMMED down the phone in total exasperation and resemble a latter-day model of Mr. Munch's The Scream.

"I JUST WANT TO TALK WITH A REAL, LIVE #!!***##!! PERSON!!"

Example  #2: Calling my local telephone provider and discovering that they too are now utilizing voice mail, including the afore-mentioned voice-activated version of same! Pardon me, but you are the TELEPHONE COMPANY. Why would a communications business require robots to answer the very people who subscribe to their services?? They also ask that you "please speak or push the corresponding digits" of the number about which you are calling. And then, when you've finally found your way through the labyrinth of voice mail features to a breathing human being, you are asked AGAIN to  provide the same information. WTF?

Most voice mail systems also have robots informing you that your call "may be recorded for quality assurance. Really? Do these companies ever listen to their recordings?

My favorite, though, is the computer-generated message "All of our operators are busy now. However, your call is very important to us, so please continue to hold. Thank you for your patience." Patience? Assuming a lot there, aren't they? And if my call is so "important" why don't they hire MORE PEOPLE to cover their call volume?

Guinness, take note: This is one technological "advance" that can easily take the title for Worst Invention In The History Of The World.

Pardon me while I scream...