THE WILD, WILD (DIRTY) AMERICAN WEST

"Clean water extra"...?? How disgusting! So if a person doesn't have "extra," that means you get to bathe in somebody else's dirty bath water? And, if clean water was such a rare commodity, what on earth does that say about laundry facilities and clean clothing?

All together now: EWWWWWWWW!

As a kid growing up on 1950s (sanitized) television shows and cowboy movies, I ~ like so many other kids ~ had a romantic vision of what the 'Old West' must have been like. Sure, it seemed romantic ~ wide open spaces, stage coach travel, saloons filled with good-looking, rootin' tootin' cowboys ~ who could want for anything more?

It was quite a rude awakening to discover the UNsanitized version and totally different story it presented. What I never realized was how downright dirty those times were. Depending on the weather, those packed dirt streets were either in your-face-and-throat dust or swampy, soggy mud that left a thick coating on anything that touched it...including those long dresses worn by women of  that time. How attractive!

Spittoons were also a common factor of the day. All those hits and misses leave me gagging at the thought of what the floors must have been like...one big slimy ash tray.

And the prevalence of body odor had to have given rise to a whole new industry: anti-antiperspirants and deodorants. Good old American ingenuity.

So, Cole Porter's "give me land, lots of land under starry skies above, don't fence me in" was just another way of saying "you smell, your habits are abominable, stay far away from me!"

Happy trails to you...and if we do ever meet again, for God's sake, please have that "extra" for clean bath water!

"NEITHER A BORROWER NOR A LENDER BE"

Often attributed to Benjamin Franklin, this wise quote is actually the property of William Shakespeare.

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be, for loan oft loses itself and friend, and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry." ~ Polonius, Act I, Scene 3, Hamlet

Ah, yes, and in hindsight, even more so. Number One on that list would be, of course, money. Running a close second? A favorite book. Following those two list-toppers would be household items. "Okay if I borrow your...?" and whatever it may be, you can almost count on never seeing it again. So how does one say NO without risking a friendship? Well, would you rather risk losing any of the afore-mentioned or a friendship? Depends on what they're asking to 'borrow' and on what kind of friendship it is.

I've been on the loan/losing end far too many times to count. Money, favorite books, household items, not even Amazon.com would be able to replace all that has been lost over the years. Which pisses me off because I am the kind of person who would never not return a borrowed item. And if I couldn't return the original, then I'd make damned sure I returned a replacement.

If the borrowed item is money, prepare to spend a lot of time (and even more money) on court appearances and fees. And even if you "win" in civil court, the job of collecting what's owed falls on you. Try making sense of that. Okay, I won, so how do I collect what's been judged to be mine? "We can't force him to pay you..." Well, what the hell is the point of asking a judge to decide what's rightfully yours, win, and then still be left wanting? What do I do now, round up a posse and, with flaming torches, go after the villain myself? In which case, I would probably be arrested for violating a borrower's 'civil rights.'

Which only reinforces the quote about borrowing and lending. As for saying NO and risking a friendship, I offer another quote: "Forewarned is forearmed." And what is it about N-O that you don't understand, anyway?

Whoops, there goes another questionable friendship. KER-PLOP!