Manic depression, or bi-polar disorder, is one of the most debilitating and devastating mental illnesses one can ever not hope for. I dislike calling it a mental illness since it is simply a chemical imbalance in the brain that is now treatable; but if you happen to be a creative person (which the majority of those who suffer from this disorder are) it's a choice between losing the roller coaster of emotions and becoming a walking zombie (along with disabling the creative part of your brain) or retaining the creativity and going through an endless cycle of hell on earth. I don't know about others, but I would rather suffer the mood swings, as horrific as they are, than give up the only thing in life that validates who I am.
And it's a bitch to diagnose because it's only when the not-so-great depression hits that afflicted people seek help so it's usually first identified as major clinical depression, sometimes for years or even decades, until a qualified professional begins to see the pattern of highs, lows, and everything in between.
When people discover that I am an artist/freelance writer, it's usually greeted with awe..."Wow, you're lucky to be so talented!" Little do they know the steep price one pays for being so awesome and talented...
The early days, when your own family accuses you of "being moody" and "just doing it for attention" and their frustrating, infuriating cure-all to just "SNAP OUT OF IT!" (If I COULD, why the HELL wouldn't I??) The multitude of broken relationships because of the "motherfucking moods" (as one oh-so-sensitive moron ex-boyfriend described it,) the lost friends, jobs, even apartments because of this mood disorder.
After a while, you just begin to retreat to a little corner of your mind because it's just not worth the emotional upheaval of going through it over and over and OVER again. Lonely? Sure. But what's worse, dealing with the loneliness by yourself or hurting (and being hurt by) yet another human being? Animals become your sole source of comfort, their unconditional love taking precedence over any human relationship. And nature, her beauty, stillness and perfection, the best antidote for a soul in pain.
Many people ask "What does it feel like?" and all I can say is picture yourself on a sunny day at the beach, eyes closed, just basking in the warmth. Suddenly and without warning, you're cold and extremely uncomfortable...and when you open your eyes, a massive cloud has blocked the sun and you have no other choice than to just wait for the cloud to pass. And until it does, grab on to something or someone dependable because it's going to be a long, dark, horrible period of hopelessness and despair.
"SNAP OUT OF IT!!" If it were only that easy...
