I am now at the one-year anniversary of my Facebook note "A Day At The Beach" and thought it would be nice to re-publish it for a wider scale, revised and updated.
So it's mid-summer 2011 and I caught a ride from my sibling, the distaff version of Mussolini, to a family member's beach house on Long Island - Part I of the Car Ride From Whatever Is Beneath Hell. You see, quite inadvertently, I managed to get us not only lost, but LATE...guaranteed to make Obsessive-Compulsive-Control-Freak people go borderline insane.
Which she did, quite nicely. Looks at watch, SCREAMS "THEY'RE PROBABLY BARBECUING BY NOW, YOU STUPID FUCK!! YOU AND YOUR FUCKING INTERNET DIRECTIONS!!" Nice. But, as she constantly points out, "I'm older than you, don't tell me what to do!" so I quietly thanked Peter Tosh, and grit my teeth until we finally arrived.
As I FLEW out of the car, so anxious was I to leave her toxic company, and headed for the bathroom, she blocked my path and spat "YOU HAVE TO HELP TAKE THE SHIT OUT OF THE CAR!!" Uh, can I PEE first or is that not allowed with OCCF people?
The day progressed and we were all having a nice time except for the fact that my 'driver' was quietly taunting me every which way she could. Of course, nobody noticed because she's 'always that way' ... mean-spiteful-provocative-obstreperous "teasing"... yup, but did any of them ever LIVE with her? 'Cause I sure did...! She remained furious that I "made her late" and did not let up the entire day.
Around mid-afternoon, the conversation at the 'adult' table (if I can, I always sit with the kids, or animals) turned to politics. As soon as I heard "Thank god for FOX News, they're the only ones who tell the truth!" I knew it was time for me to disappear for a while. So I got up, told everyone I was going to the beach for a walk, and Miss Mussolini yells out, "TAKE THIS WATER BOTTLE AND FILL IT UP WITH SEA WATER...IT'S GOOD FOR HEALING."
After 60+ years, you kind of get used to the absence of "please" and/or "thank you" ~ you just want to keep the peace, so you keep your mouth shut about the small stuff and just do it for the sake of your already-ruptured, long-suffering colon, if nothing else.
After 60+ years, you kind of get used to the absence of "please" and/or "thank you" ~ you just want to keep the peace, so you keep your mouth shut about the small stuff and just do it for the sake of your already-ruptured, long-suffering colon, if nothing else.
After wading into the Atlantic Ocean with lightweight, white cotton pants just to fill up Mussolini's bottle, I found myself a muddy sandy mess, and trekked on over to the boardwalk...sat, cleaned my pants off, and figured it's a lot easier to walk on a hard surface than a bumpy beach while my pants dried, so I headed off to enjoy a nice leisurely walk, taking in the surf, sun, clean air, and beautiful sea gulls.
It felt so good that I just kept walking and walking and soon came to an open air flea market where I was drawn to the exotic trinkets I saw everywhere around me. That's when I looked back at the distance I had come and was momentarily shocked that it seemed so 'far' away, so I reversed direction and began walking back.
Now, at the time, I was 64 years old so upon my return, seeing some family members about to form a search party was equally amusing and annoying. When the Prodigal Niece arrived to the full crowd, here is what I heard:
"WHERE WERE YOU?? WE THOUGHT YOU WERE LOST, YOU'RE GONE TWO HOURS ALREADY!!" Lost? Tell me, how exactly does one get "lost" on a BOARDWALK...??
"WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A CELL PHONE SO YOU COULD'VE LET US KNOW YOU'RE OKAY??" Uh, that's kind of the reason why "walks" were invented, weren't they...? To, like, GET AWAY for a while with NO interruptions?
But the best was "WELL, THEN, WE THOUGHT YOU WERE ARRESTED!!" ARRESTED?? For WHAT, talking to sea gulls???
The ride home was worse, if that's possible. Aggressive road rage driving, intermittent screaming, with the HEATER on because she's always cold. Meanwhile, it was 90 degrees and 100% humid. "If you don't like it, you can sit in the back seat!!" At that point, I would rather have walked home on my knees.
And that is my short story of how I spent my one summer day of 'vacation' in 2011. And people still wonder why I prefer the company of animals...especially sea gulls.
(c 2012)
