...cried, often silently and alone, to release the anguish and pain that comes with a peculiar 'mental illness' known as manic-depression. Peculiar because it's a chemical imbalance in the brain that one is born with and can't really do much about, except pray for this life to end so the roller coaster of emotions will finally stop.There is pharmaceutical 'help' available, if you want to deal with a horrific multitude of side effects and completely wipe out the side of your brain that harbors whatever creativity you may possess. And it seems to affect creative people the most...Van Gogh, Sylvia Plath, Ernest Hemingway, Leonard Bernstein, even Frank Sinatra who once proclaimed "I'm an 18-carat manic-depressive."
Jimi Hendrix wrote a song about it, so he probably had it too...
"Manic depression is touching my soul, I know what I want but I just don't know ..."
And it's one of the most difficult "now-you-see-me-now-you-don't" conditions for others to deal with because they just don't know how to cope with it. You can drift along for months, happy and peaceful, then suddenly turn into a moody, distant, snapping turtle-person who cries for what seems like no reason, except the invisible pain in one's heart that cannot be described; everything hurts...
Someone once asked if I could describe it, and I said "You know when you're sitting, eyes closed, on a warm sunny day, just feeling, loving the warmth? Then suddenly it turns cold, you open your eyes and see that a massive black cloud has covered the sun and you just have to wait for it to pass...that's the best way I can describe it." Sudden, unexpected, and after a lifetime of gut-wrenching mood swings, something to be dreaded even more than death.
Oh, the highs are great, you never want them to end. Which is one reason why psychiatrists find bi-polar disorder one of the most difficult to diagnose. You see, people only seek help when they're depressed so most initial diagnoses are "major clinical depression." Until the jig is up and your doctor figures it out. And then you're faced with either becoming an emotionless zombie, or gritting your teeth each time The Monster hits, hoping you'll get through it yet again without doing something to just end the nightmare.
The Monster was waiting for me when I awoke this morning and I'm getting really really tired of his unwelcome company.....
